The Dying Space

The Dying Space…

I don’t know how to master the art of losing friends, family, loved ones – even from a far.

My mind races 100,000 miles to recapture every moment I know I will never have again.
Relive every second of every memory to keep them closer to me.  It’s selfish I know.
Selfish of me to wish them to stay, for me, just because I love them so… even when I don’t know it.
It doesn’t matter, animal or human; it seems to hurt the same, sometimes in illogical order.
But there is nothing as sad as seeing a slow, painful death – even as an onlooker it kills pieces of you & takes you with it.

To see the body or mind betray itself, give up the fight to disease, and let all humanness go.

I never know what to do with my grief.  It sits in my the pit of my stomach, the back of my throat,
The center of my head, the back of my thoughts… even quiet, it’s waiting to be touched upon & surface.    It’s easier to break a bone than deal with grief.  You can mourn the pain, care for it & know that it will Heal.  But only time heals grief & time can be a slow, slow friend that doesn’t make it easy for you.

Sometimes I feel betrayed when years later I still feel the pain, & wonder how time could be anyone’s friend.     But then when I sit here & watch my loved one dying all I want is Time.  I would give anything for more time.  Sitting in that space, is such a painful, lonely place to be.   The dying space, when you see the inevitable, & can do nothing about it.  Words of comfort to yourself & loved ones float in & out, but only hold a temporary meaning next to grief.  Coming in waves – crashing into your mind of all the moments you will lose.  And then, a calmness, as if the storm has stopped & the ocean is still, & all the Love & hope & memories float by gently caressing your head.
I wish it could stay like that.  I wish I could caress my loved ones souls.  I wish they knew how much I cared and mourn for them.  I wish I knew I would see them again.  I wish, I wish, I wish.

But right now I am in the dying space.  Neither in or out of the woods.  Waiting to find the path to carry me on.  To be strong.  To be comforting.  To my friend in the dying space of his own.  A small quiet space with lots of soft things, and tranquil touches.  But I think he knows as we all do, that ugly thing that we can’t define is here and he is in his dying space.  And all I feel I can do is watch.  Watch the kindness & vitality leave, & watch uncertainty take its place.

I wish I could squeeze all the love & life back into him.  I wish he could know the power of my love for him. I can only hope.  I can only wish this.  Wish this will end before I can’t breathe anymore.

Till then I will wait in the dying space for morning to clear my blurry eyes and help me do the right thing.

Osama Bin Laden is dead - now what?

Osama Bin Laden is dead - now what? A call to cut military spending.

Yesterday Osama Bin Laden was killed.  A day that many American's looked forward to.
Part of a  pain, a hate, a rage, a chase that has been going on for over a decade, is over.
Yet it feels anti-climactic.   It feels that as a nation we have been in this "place" for so long, that
this one death isn't enough to pull us out of it.   What we need to kill is the hate & pursuit
of a justice that may not be able to be found.  Sometimes there is not a happy ending; just a
(reluctant) ability to move on, & slowly past the pain of the past.  No one will forget 9/11,
but no one can bring back the thousands of lives lost - both physically & emotionally.

Its a shame that Bush did'nt do this on his watch.  At least he could have said he accomplished
something worthwhile in office.  But instead, 3 years after he has left office & Obama's poll is diminished
what happens next?    What can we learn from THIS war, or the other wars we are involved in at present?

In my eyes nothing we do to avenge the war can fix or change the past. 
Can it bring back the thousands & thousands of lives that have been lost; both civilian & in service?
Can it help the millions of people that are hurting now; out of work & losing their homes, & lives in a bad economy?     Can it bring back the billions & billions of dollars we have invested on military spending; to the point that we have slashed all other budgets in the this financial web of a deficit that America is in?
We have lost accountability for ourselves because we are so busy being accountable to the world,
and our image.  

I think its time our image changed & we work in-ward.  By no means do I mean to turn our back on the world, but its time we change the fight.  We should be fighting hunger, disease, poverty, & homelessness
here in the US - not wars.   People right here are desperate in every state & city.  You can throw a rock in any direction and hit a house in jeopardy of foreclosure.  We have cut school budgets to the point
of depelting our future (children) of the riches of the arts, music, foreign language, & simple things like physical education.    You wonder why most kids can't run a mile, hold a conversation, or know anything about culture, its becuase they are not getting these expereinces in schools anymore, and the TV & the I-pod are raising them at home & on the street., while parents work 2 + jobs to stay afloat.

Maybe we can take the billions of dollars invested in the military now & slash that to distribute to
healthcare,  safe childcare, poverty,  non-profit agencies that are bursting at the seams with need,  schools and educations that will make a difference.  Not testing with FCATS till were spent physically & emotionally, but measuring children on thier academic, social, & artistic skills, & then nurturing those skills.
How about making it mandatory for citizens  (un-employment colletors,those on welfare,  those on exceedingly long workmen's comp cases, & those on perpetual disability) to show up at schools, non-profits, and community centers & donate a minimum of 3-5 hours a week of thier time.   Everyone can do something, no matter how disabled you are.   If you have a voice, a hand, and even the smallest heart you can make a difference.  Wether its reading to children in aftercare, cleaning a bathroom,  filing work, or being the voice on the other end of the phone for a desperate caller.   In these times, everyone should give back.

JFK so elquently said "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."
I think its time our president bring that call into action, & make everyone start with thier own community.
Make it mandatory for anyone over the age of 15 to put time in to thier city.  Thus cutting the desperate need for manpower to at least half the government & social service agencies.   Then lets start using that money
that we cut from the military (since Bin Laden is dead that should losen up at least some funds) to help US citizens get back on thier feet.   Work- Build- Support-  Help- Eachother.

I hope Obama can leave a legacy of more than this.   There was a lot to clean up before he got into office,
and I think he has been given the short end of the stick in many ways.  I think both parties should have come together better than they have, because its about "the people" now, not the politics & policies.  Its been an embarrassing & frustrating time watching the lack of movement & change because parties won't cooperate with each other to get things done.   Would any of those politicians like to go into a local emergecny room & explain that mom will now have to work 2 jobs, because her kid has strept throat & no insurance to pay for it.

But that is out of my hands.  I am just a ant in the mound, looking for the next picnic.  I try to carry my wieght whenever possible, but I am not sure its enough.    But now that Bin Laden is dead, can we concentrate on another picnic & put our money back into us/US?

This Generation - Values & Lack of Them

Sometimes I think I was born & brought up in the wrong generation.
I say this because I sometimes have such a hard time relating to things going on these days, and the lack of
values & common sense I see in people. 

I grew up and was raised to know the meanings of Respect, Sincerity, Common Decency,   Kindness,   Accountability, Honesty, & in some cases Pprofessionalism.   But, I am starting to believe that other people do NOT follow or believe in these traits.    Every day at any hour you can turn on a TV show that shows other people behaving badly.   IE:   As one small example Jerry Springer prides himself in shows such as "Who is my baby's daddy?", " I am leaving you for your sister/mother/brother/father" ,  "Your woman is really a man!",  etc.  People come out dressed like hookers & hill billy's, & fight all the time.   The people in the audience holler in encouragement of this bad behavior.  And this is what we call entertainment.  
Its especially scary for those that are letting TV raise their child.   Because kids are sponges & they share what they know.  But when society is not only teaching, but allowing this bad behavior, then where do we end up?

When I was growing up, shows like -  Different Strokes (showing inter racial relationships in a positive light),
the Facts of Life (depicting growing pains of any teenager),   Eight is Enough (showing family values),
Little House on the Prairie (depicting good, old fashioned values), FAME (inspiring art & culture),  Star Trek (always exploring, learning about other civilizations),  and 30-Something (showing the importance of friends & good relationships)...  all these shows left you with something.  A message, a movement, something to think about.  But when the shows we see have no valuable message, what are we filling our heads with?

I do volunteer work for a kids shelter & worked with children under 5.  You can tell where a child has been by the way they act or speak.    I can't tell you how many times I heard a 3 year old tell me
"I am going to kick your ass!"   Or one child call another "stupid ,a  nigger, or a dumb ass, because that's what they knew.   It makes you wonder what the kids & parents lives are like.

I remember seeing a mother hit her young child & call it stupid at a carnival, for throwing up after getting on a ride.  When I had heard the child complain about an upset stomach before the ride began.  Who at any point thinks its acceptable to cuss out a 6 year old?

But its not just kids were bad to.  Look at the news & see the cruelty that we have subjected animals to.
A news story the other day mentioned a dog that had been beaten so badly by its owner that it was blind in one eye, would have an ever lasting limp,  no tail, and mangled ears.  What posses people to behave this way?

We even do it to ourselves.  Like the U-Tube video that shows a father filming his son fighting another boy in the street.  There was about 10 teenagers egging it on through the blood - screaming, crack his skull!
His his head in the street.  No one stopped it, instead they encouraged it.   Where does it end?   A truce?  The hospital with an astronomical bill & injuries that could last a life time,  or just till death do us part?

Sometimes its not event the worst behavior - but every day, common decency that we lack.
Like littering.   Why do people think its OK to throw their cups, cigarettes, & trash out in public?
Even doing it in the middle of traffic without regard to who sees them.  Really, how embarrassing.  Wouldn't you feel badly if you knew your boss, mother, priest saw you do that?  I know I would.
Why do seniors think its OK to go to a restaurant & steal food from the buffet? 
I never saw that depicted on any TV shows as being funny or acceptable behavior at any age.
If that happened back in my day - you'd be embarrassed beyond belief.
Why do people think its OK to steal their neighbors pet and dispose of it, just because they don't like it?
I never saw that on any TV shows of my generation, or experienced it growing up.
If the dog barked too loud - you asked your neighbor to keep it in more often.
Why is it acceptable to have road rage & actually threaten to kill someone for cutting you off in traffic?
I never saw that on Little House on the Prairie. Hmmmm, can you imagine Charles Engels threatening to tar & feather,  or hang someone by the tree on the prairie for cutting off his wagon on his way into town?
What a show that would have been.

But then every day can be like show of its own, depending on where you are.
I was recently at a job interview in a professional setting. I was amazed to see people show up in flip flops, leggings, open blouses, &  with outfits that were far from professional.   Others sat on the phone in personal conversations with no intent on being discreet about what they spoke about in a room full of people.   
I later learned that they had over 200 applicants apply for the job.  100 of which were excluded immediately due to typos, mis-spellings and bad grammar.  Another 25 were deleted for not having any of the experience needed, and yet another 50 were excluded becausee the company checked out their Face book & My Space pages & found the content to be less than favorable.  Of the remaining 25 - the company called their references, listened to their voice mails and how they spoke, and then called them.  10 people made it to the interview & of them 4 ruled themselves out before the interview began because of their unprofessional dress or behavior.   Wow!  From 200-6 that fast.
But then I ask myself shouldn't they know that?   Isn't it common sense that you present yourself accordingly
when being judged for a job?

Where is our integrity, our self respect, our common sense?  When did we stop caring about the world we are a part of by letting  society decay to this point?  Aren't these morals & principals taught in any school, since there not being taught on TV, or in many homes?

We all agree publicly that there needs to be "change".   A president of change,   a new year of change,  a life/society change.    But I think Gandhi said it best when he said 
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."   Honest & to the point.  It has to start with us.
I for one would like to change the generation I am a part of - & make this little world of mine a better place,
and feel glad to be a part of it.

I Don't Do Horror

A friend  asked me to go see a horror flick at the movies last week and I declined.
She was annoyed and asked why I never go see any cool movies with her, and I said that I just don't do horror films.    Saw,  The Exorcist,  The Rite,  The Haunting,  Friday the 13th - what is it, #27 by now?   I have no interest in any of them, and I will tell you why as I did her.

I can turn on the news any day of the week & see   real,   live,  horror going on in the world &in  my own community, and its free.  Rape,  Murder,  Child Abuse & Neglect,  Animal Cruelty,   Drunk or Careless Drivers,  Beatings, The Human Slave Trade,  Houses set on Fire,  Flash Floods,   Tornadoes,  Hurricanes,   Tsunamis.   Lets do a LITTLE  comparison  here....

Movie      - vs -     News Story

Silence of the Lambs ( a classic horror/thriller)      -   The Long Island Serial Killer - body count up to 8.

SAW 1,2,3, or any chop em up movie -Watch any PETA video & tell me what we do to animals isn't far worse.   Seeing an animal skinned alive is something that will never leave your mind.

War of the Worlds - classic Sci Fi   -   Turn on  CNN or BBC & see how many REAL wars we are in.

Friday the 13th (any one of them) - Does anyone remember Son of Sam, or  Adam Walsh, or the 1000's of kids that have disappeared never to be seen alive again?  Look at the back of your milk carton people.

Outbreak  - Look at the starvation, poverty & disease running rampant in many countries around the world.

2012 or The Day After Tomorrow   -  How many tsunamis & earthquakes have we seen on the news in just the last year?  Let alone  flash flooding,  rapid fires, hurricanes, & tornadoes that have hit all over the world & the US destroying real lives and property.  Can you imagine living through Katrina? or the latest Tsunami to hit Japan?  I still remember the one that hit Thailand the day after Christmas years ago.
How does anyone really fully recover from losing everything?

So, its not that I don't like a thrill, a mystery, a little scare, but all I have to do is go on line or to the TV and see the people that are living in real horror right now - that's scary enough for me.  But the difference is that on the news, I can follow up, and possibly even do something about it.  Start a Crime Watch,  an after school care program, or even learn self defense, or just help others.

I like movies, I think of them as a great escape at times, but for $10.00 a ticket and up, I would rather be
entertained with laughter, drama, suspense and fun, for a real escape from the reality of every day horrors.
So you can catch me at a Pixar film any day, but you can have my seat at the scary movie.

Are We Becoming Too Virtual?

Are We Becoming Too Virtual?

I was at a restaurant & saw four teenagers sitting quietly while frantically texting on their latest electrical gadgets....   Shall we call them Communicators, for lack of a better word?
After a few minutes they all  laughed simultaneously, then went back to texting.  Later a mom figure came to the table and asked what they were doing.  They answered "texting - each other."  "But your sitting together, why not just talk?" said the mom figure.  "Because this is more fun." they said,  and with that, the mom figure walked away.

At first I thought this was funny, but as I thought about it, I thought it was sad that this was how they chose to share & communicate all there is to feel, speak & share... especially as a teenager.  Could it be that advances in recent communicatores have all of us spending to much time on them (talking about life) & not enough time living it?   Have we indeed become more virtual than literal?

 I don't keep up with the latest technology,  the I-phone, Me-phone, Wi- pad, Apple, Crapple, Blackberry, Crack-berry, whatever... it doesn't matter what you call it, I prefer pen & paper, a phone & a day timer to the electric life line that others choose. 

Can an email or a text professionally, or personally convey the most important things in life?
Can a text properly tell you that you have Cancer? Or that your child has been in an accident? 
That your parent has Alzheimer's?  Or that you are being terminated from your job?
Or that your spouse wants a divorce?  Or that your best freind has just died?
I cant imagine any of these things being said in a text & properly conveying the emotion that goes with it.

But at the rate we are texting, emailing, and tweeting, we may be forgetting the art of
conversation which so many of us need more than ever.  I thrive off it, even the dull ones. 
There is always something to learn from the implications & combinations of words, tone of voice,
pace, eye contact, and rhythm.  Things we can't learn in a text no matter how many symbols we use.

When I see the generations of today choosing to look down, instead of  ahead, & type words in silence, instead of speaking out loud, I wonder where we will be in 10-20 years.  Who will teach the people of tomorrow how to communicate?

As much as I am teased about my lack of technology,  I stick to my guns.  My phone is a phone.  Thats it.
My camera is a camera, nothing more.  No one object holds my entire life.  I do not feel sorry for people when they lose a phone & don't know how to live the next 5 days - because thier life schedule & phone numbers were in it, with no back up.   Really, how could you rely on a gadget to dictate your life?

So I ask... when was the last time you hand wrote a note or a card?  If its been a while, you might want to
give it a try.  You may find it to be a lot harder then you thought.  When was the last time you sat down with someone else & really talked without any abbreviations or technology?  If thats been a while, then turn it all off and turn on your emotions instead.  Look somoeone in the eye and say what you need to say.

-East End Rambler